Through reviewing socializing skills and examples, let’s learn more about how to socialize effectively.
Socializing is how we establish, maintain, and deepen relationships – without interacting with other people just to connect with them, we would not get the social contact that is essential for our well-being (Maslow, 1943). Indeed, the amount and frequency of socializing we get seems to be directly related to our well-being (Lubben & Gironda, 2003).
One way that socializing is important throughout our lifespan is that it relates to how well we understand other people. As children, we learn how others think and move through the world by playing with them, and as adults, we maintain our understanding of others’ thinking by socializing (Henry et al., 2013; Rosi et al., 2016).
The effects of socializing – a sense of belonging, experiencing affection, and knowing that one is held in positive regard by others – positively impacts our mental and physical well-being and helps us live longer (Shor et al., 2013). In fact, one of the most famous psychology studies tracked hundreds of men from their college years into their eighties, and it found that one of the most effective predictors of their longevity and overall well-being was the number of meaningful social connections they maintained over the years (Waldinger & Schulz, 2010).
Social Skills
The core components of social skills are the ability to share one’s own feelings, understand others, and be reflective about one’s own and other people’s experiences (Kanske et al., 2015). Let’s look at each of these in a little more detail:
1) Sharing one’s own feelings and needs. People cannot know how to relate to you unless you self-disclose with them about where you are at.
2) Understanding other people’s experiences. When you hang out with somebody, be aware of their experience as well as yours. While this can verge on micromanaging their experience, it is also an important part of socializing – it allows you to respond to their needs and make sure we are both enjoying our time together.
3) Reflecting on everybody’s experiences. We will keep socializing with people when we have enjoyed our time together so far, and only through reflection on the experience can we make the changes we need to ensure that socializing stays enjoyable.
“Socializing is more positive than being alone, that’s why meetings are so popular. People don’t like being alone. That would be, however, an important skill to learn…”
― Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
Socializing Problems
Socializing problems usually stem from difficulties in using the social skills mentioned above (Pronin et al., 2002). In particular, struggling to understand how other people think and what their experience is – an ability called Theory of Mind – makes it hard to socialize (Henry et al., 2013). Without an understanding of what other people are experiencing, we cannot make effective decisions about what to say or do next (Hodges et al., 2011).
When we are children, it is understood that we have a hard time taking the perspectives of other people – the parts of our brains that serve this function have not fully formed yet. However, as we age, effective socializing requires greater and greater abilities to understand the mental states of other people, and lacking those skills leads to conflict and poor socialization (Pronin et al., 2002).
How to Socialize With Social Anxiety
Many people have social anxiety, which quite naturally makes it difficult to socialize (Schulz et al., 2014). There are many things people with social anxiety can do to help themselves socialize comfortably, and in some ways they can be broken down into two categories:
● what you do to prepare for social situations, and
● how you handle your thoughts and feelings in those social situations.
Here are some tips for handling anxiety around socializing:
1. Work on your social anxiety when you’re not socializing (Schulz et al., 2014). One effective way to do this is to track your socially anxious thoughts and evaluate them. Another effective tool is to write down all the evidence you have that you are an effective socializer. Think of all the times you have enjoyed with other people. Write down the positive things that these experiences show about you. As a final example, you can role-play the situations you might find most anxiety-making with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist (Gantman et al., 2012).
2. Practice with manageable social interactions (Khan et al., 2021). This is similar to the idea of exposures, a key therapeutic tool for dealing with anxiety. To build confidence in socializing, you can do it gradually and intentionally. Pick people who feel safe; set up interactions that have a time limit, so you know when things will end; have a plan for ways to get support while you are socializing, such as going to the bathroom; and come prepared with tools for regulating yourself. That might include taking deep breaths, saying you need a moment to send a text, or even asking somebody to call you while you are out socializing so you have the excuse for a break.
In Sum
If you are one of those people who puts work first again and again, consider shifting your priorities to create more time for socialization. Work happy-hours and networking lunches may make us feel connected to others, but socializing offers us a chance to truly be ourselves around others, and to get our basic human needs for connection, belonging, and affection met. You deserve to prioritize those needs of yours – they are worth it.
References
● Gantman, A., Kapp, S. K., Orenski, K., & Laugeson, E. A. (2012). Social skills training for young adults with high-functioning autism spectrum disorders: A randomized controlled pilot study. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 42(6), 1094-1103.
● Henry, J. D., Phillips, L. H., Ruffman, T., & Bailey, P. E. (2013). A meta-analytic review of age differences in theory of mind. Psychology and Aging, 28(3), 826–839.
● Hodges, S. D., Clark, B. A., & Myers, M. W. (2011). Better living through perspective taking. In R. Biswas-Diener (Ed.), Positive psychology as social change (pp. 193–218). Dordrecht, The Netherlands: Springer Netherlands.
● Kanske, P., Böckler, A., Trautwein, F. M., & Singer, T. (2015). Dissecting the social brain: Introducing the EmpaToM to reveal distinct neural networks and brain–behavior relations for empathy and theory of mind. Neuroimage, 122, 6–19.
● Khan, A. N., Bilek, E., Tomlinson, R. C., & Becker-Haimes, E. M. (2021). Treating social anxiety in an era of social distancing: adapting exposure therapy for youth during COVID-19. Cognitive and Behavioral Practice, 28(4), 669-678.
● Lubben, J., & Gironda, M. (2003). Centrality of social ties to the health and well-being of older adults. In B. Berkman & L. Harootyan (Eds.), Social work and health care in an aging society (pp. 319–350). New York, NY: Springer.
● Maslow, A. H. (1943). A theory of human motivation. Psychological Review, 50(4), 370–396.
● Pronin, E., Puccio, C., & Ross, L. (2002). Understanding misunderstanding: Social psychological perspectives. In T. Gilovich, D. Griffin, & D. Kahneman (Eds.), Heuristics and biases: The psychology of intuitive judgment (pp. 636– 665). Cambridge, UK: Cambridge University Press.
● Rosi, A., Cavallini, E., Bottiroli, S., Bianco, F., & Lecce, S. (2016). Promoting theory of mind in older adults: Does age play a role? Aging & Mental Health, 20(1), 22–28.
● Schulz, A., Stolz, T., & Berger, T. (2014). Internet-based individually versus group guided self-help treatment for social anxiety disorder: protocol of a randomized controlled trial. BMC Psychiatry, 14(1), 1-8.
● Shor, E., Roelfs, D. J., & Yogev, T. (2013). The strength of family ties: A meta-analysis and meta-regression of self reported social support and mortality. Social Networks, 35(4), 626–638.
● Waldinger, R. J., & Schulz, M. S. (2010). What’s love got to do with it? Social functioning, perceived health, and daily happiness in married octogenarians. Psychology and Aging, 25(2), 422.