Is Manipulation Always Bad?
When is manipulating the people around you good or bad? Let’s see how intentions matter in manipulation.
On a very basic level, one is manipulating any time that one tries to change or influence the behaviors or bodies of another organism or object (Buss et al., 1987). In this sense, a cat hissing at you or a dog barking at you are both acts of manipulation, as they send a clear message about which behaviors they do and do not want to see from you (Krebs & Dawkins, 1984). At this very basic level, manipulation does not necessarily carry a negative connotation; when you turn the steering wheel of your car, you are manipulating the car, but it could just be so that you can enter the grocery store parking lot.
While some manipulation is socially frowned upon and harmful – and we will spend lots of time looking at these behaviors – much of the manipulation among animals and humans is functional, necessary, and even inevitable (Krebs & Dawkins, 1984). Think of a newborn baby, for example: what options does it have for getting its needs met besides crying? When world leaders negotiate with each other, wouldn’t they be doing a disservice to their countries if they did not push for the best results possible for their people? And should we not put our best foot forward when out dating, even if what we wear on a first date is not what we wear most days.
So while all manipulation is intentional, in the sense that it is geared toward getting us some outcome that we want, not all of it is bad or done with malicious intent (Buss et al., 1987). However, in the realm of psychology, it is common to study manipulation as a behavior with more specific traits.
Specifically, psychology often looks at manipulation as pursuing a goal using more deceptive means and without much care for the well-being of the other parties involved (Bowers, 2003).
Why do we manipulate others? In addition to having concrete goals, such as getting company, money, or sexual intimacy, we also manipulate others so that we can impress them and fulfill our sense of who we are (Baumeister, 1982). In other words, much manipulation is done so that other people will see us the way we would like to be seen.
This drive to manage our self-image and look good underlies our behaviors with family, friends, and coworkers (Highhouse et al., 2016; Jones & Pittman, 1982). We put our best foot forward, even if that foot is not quite an honest representation of our whole selves so that we can be confirmed as good, desirable, or worthy.
While there are many different manipulation tactics, they appear to cluster into six categories (Buss et al., 1987):
“Half of the people lie with their lips; the other half with their tears” ―
● Charm. You may have come across people that have a very warm and personable demeanor who can effectively navigate themselves through conversations with all sorts of people by turning on the charm offensive. In these moments, they can be so agreeable and engaging that you would have a hard time ruining the conversation by refusing them what they want.
● Silent Treatment. Disengaging with another person can be powerful leverage. Many couples give each other the silent treatment after particularly painful arguments, for example. Putting children in timeout – where they cannot play or have positive attention from parents – is another (effective!) form of manipulation.
● Coercion. Threatening, demanding, blackmailing, intimidating others – all these coercive behaviors are also manipulative. They are designed to force the other person into compliance.
● Reason. Reasoning with others might seem less aggressive but it can be no less manipulative.
● Regression. When a child (or adult) acts “younger than their age”, they may have run out of “mature” ways to try to manipulate the situation. Regression is one way to force the other person to give in, whether it is to stop the unpleasantness of the regression or to make the manipulator behave more maturely again.
● Debasement. If nothing else, a manipulator can always try to insult or humiliate the target of their manipulation into submission.
We can become aware of psychological manipulation on both conscious and unconscious levels. People have an intuitive sense of when others are not being honest, which seems to be more online and effective when the stakes are high enough that detecting deception is important (Ten Brinke et al., 2016). Think of the difference between when a close, trusted friend compliments your appearance and when somebody you are just meeting does the same thing. In ways that you might not be able to describe, you are probably tracking that person’s behaviors closely to see how genuine they are being.
People manipulating each other in relationships is the norm, not the exception, and much of it is ordinary and relatively harmless. One study of couples found that different manipulation tactics were used to achieve different ends (Buss et al., 1987). For example, charming behaviors were used more often to get partners to do things, while coercion and giving the silent treatment were used to make partners stop undesired behaviors. Partners that did not seem as well matched to each other also seemed to use manipulative behaviors more often.
Not all manipulation is bad. Although psychological manipulation is typically done to achieve one’s own goals, much manipulation has the fate of the manipulated individual in mind. For example, therapists regularly manipulate their clients in ways that they hope will be for the clients’ own benefit (Hepworth, 1993). A therapist’s job is to manipulate people into greater understanding, acceptance, and self-compassion. So when you think of manipulation, keep in mind that we all do this to each other and that unless harm is actively being caused, a little manipulation might not be all that bad.
● Baumeister, R. F. (1982). A self-presentational view of social phenomena. Psychological Bulletin, 91, 3–26.
● Buss, D. M., Gomes, M., Higgins, D. S., & Lauterbach, K. (1987). Tactics of manipulation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(6), 1219-1229.
● Hepworth, D. H. (1993). Managing manipulative behavior in the helping relationship. Social Work, 38(6), 674-682.
● Highhouse, S., Brooks, M. E., & Wang, Y. (2016). Status seeking and manipulative self-presentation. International Journal of Selection and Assessment, 24(4), 352-361.
● Jones, E. E., & Pittman, T. (1982). Toward a general theory of strategic self-presentation. In J. Suls (Ed.), Psychological perspectives on the self (pp. 231–262). Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.
● Krebs, J. R. & Dawkins, R. (1984) Animal signals: Mind-reading and manipulation? In J. R. Krebs & N. B. Davies (Eds.), Behavioral ecology: An evolutionary approach, (pp. 390 – 402). Basil Blackwell.
● Ten Brinke, L., Vohs, K. D., & Carney, D. R. (2016). Can ordinary people detect deception after all? Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 20(8), 579-588
At Heart's Journey, we provide a unique blend of mindfulness courses, tools, and resources designed to help you achieve mental clarity, inner peace, and personal growth. Begin your journey to a more balanced and focused life with our expert-guided offerings.
123 Main Street
New York, NY 10001
© 2025 All Rights Reserved.